There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
