Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
