come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
