Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
