Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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