So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
