He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
