I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
