my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
