Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
