Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
