I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
