I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
