I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
