my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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