Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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