just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
