what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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