New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
