dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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