he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
