Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
