I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
