oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
