I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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