i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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