bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
