So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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