I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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