woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
