everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
