I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
