wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
