It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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