god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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