First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
