What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
