I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
