I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
