Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
