He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
