I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
where are you?
Hypothermia
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
