Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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