Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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