yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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