apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
