Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
