Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
