I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
