imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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